


the spoons of the dying.

by esquitor



Category: Katekyou Hitman Reborn!
Genre: Chronic Illness, Chronic Pain, Gen, fibromyalgia, tsuna has it....
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-19
Updated: 2016-11-27
Packaged: 2018-08-31 20:31:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8592424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/esquitor/pseuds/esquitor
Summary: fibromyalgia: an illness where one experiences a constant undercurrent of unexplained aches and pain all over the body, tenderness and soreness of certain spots, and to top it all off, Fatigue.tsuna now has fibro.... but not much as changed?? he just complains a lot more and is increasingly Done With Everything.a drabble collection, more or less.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [all those out there with chronic pain or fatigue](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=all+those+out+there+with+chronic+pain+or+fatigue).



> yooo so i got this massive fibro!tsuna au on tumblr and finally managed to write an actual thing for it. this is probably just going to be a collection of drabbles / shortfics because it follows mostly canon, just with a few alterations, because i can't heavy au like 4 things at once i just caaant
> 
> disclaimer: i do not have any chronic illnesses. at all. i've picked up a sort of fibro-beta who looks over some stuff before i release it into the wild, but mostly work off of internet research. the closest thing i have to chronic pain is getting headaches in the morning and refusing to go to work.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> going from 0 to 100 is one thing. going from 100 to 0 is another thing entirely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> see [this post](https://vongolastic.tumblr.com/post/152691956983/fibrotsuna-and-the-well-a-lot-of-things) for some theory on how DWM and HDWM work in regards to fibro!tsuna’s everything.
> 
> the basics are these: DWM decreases pain (and damage?) felt from outside sources, while HDWM just plain decreases pain felt from inside the body.
> 
> this chapter is set during the varia arc, around the time tsuna is lengthening his DWM time and starting to do the zero point breakthrough training.

"Reborn-"

Tsuna's voice is tight. Strained, even. Kind of like the first time he talked about how invincible he felt while in Dying Will Mode.

Except it's different this time. A little more thin, a little more hesitant, a little unsure. Which makes little sense to Reborn, because Tsuna finished _climbing a cliff_ in a little under three days.

Tsuna. Climbed a cliff. Dame-Tsuna, Loser Whiner No Good Tsuna who can't do anything but complain, _climbed a goddamn cliff with his bare hands_.

"Reborn, I can't do this."

He's still frozen in place, the Hyper Dying Will Flame bright and shining like a jewel in the dark. Reborn will probably never tell anyone, but it's stunning to find that someone like Tsuna (who, as stated above, behaves as one completely unmotivated and stewed in the feeling of being worthless and incapable of any accomplishments at all) can light a Flame to big, so bright, so _pure_. That someone like Tsuna who doesn't want to do _anything_ can _regret_ so greatly.

"Thou hast done well until now, Sawada-dono!" Basil is a precious, shining beacon of encouragement. It's startling to know that Iemitsu just might have been the one to raise him that way. "Thou art making progress by leaps and bounds, we shouldst continue!"

"No, I-" Tsuna takes a step forward and _stumbles_. He hasn't done that before, not in either Dying Will Modes. It strengthens the body, and from what Tsuna has said, it helps him keep moving through most of the ache and fatigue that he feels from his illness.

The fight against Mukuro in Hyper Mode had gone down without a hitch. So, why now?

"I can't feel," Tsuna says. Reborn feels chills running down his spine. They've already cleared the ridiculous Skullitis disease, there shouldn't be anything else to deal with. Reborn is _insanely_ careful with his use of Dying Will Bullets. "I can't.. I can't feel-"

"What can't you feel?" he chirps, trotting up to the boy. He doesn't usually take Tsuna this seriously. Tsuna whines a lot and Reborn had to learn quickly what he could more or less ignore. 'Loss of feeling' is definitely not one them. "Hands? Feet?"

"Everything."

Tsuna's eyes are wide, even through the lidded Hyperfocused Will. He looks terrified.

"Reborn, I... I can't _feel anything_ —"

—

Shamal, biased as he is, goes down the health checkup list twice. Three times. And then another time for good measure.

"There's nothing wrong. I've done the full spectrum blood work and his sugar levels are fine*. We've tested his reflex and pain responses, everything's normal. I mean, if you don't count the fact that he has fibromyalgia and feels like an old man."

"Three old men," Tsuna clarifies, tiredly. As usual. "All at once."

"He feels like three old men all at once."

"On a good day. Like today."

"He feels like _three old men all at once on a good day_ , Reborn, he can't possibly just.. _feel nothing_ all of a sudden."

"Um, I'm sitting right here?"

Shamal squints. Lazily. Probably because he hates treating men and doesn't want to look like he _cares_ , God forbid.

"It was just during, um, the Hyper Dying Will thing.. if that helps. It stopped once the- er, once the flame went out? That's what you call it, right?"

"Yes," Reborn affirms, and sits. And ponders.

While he's got a wealth of knowledge and experience with the _use_ of Dying Will Bullets, thanks in part to being one of the modern times' main production methods of them, the actual inherent effects are... not very well studied. Might be why CEDEF is trying to get those Dying Will Pills perfected.

It doesn't help that most of the users of the Dying Will Bullet in Vongola's line have been, well. _Abled_ people, as Tsunayoshi calls them. Though one of them probably had cancer? Everyone had cancer back in those days.

Cancer isn't quite the same as feeling pain all day, every day, for the past 8 or 9 years. 

"You can send him to a proper doctor to do a nerve connection study. Find out if anything's damaged, especially if this happens again." Shamal shrugs. He's done his duty and nothing's wrong, so now he’s back to lazy, sleazy, woman-chasing Trident Shamal instead of a proper, caring doctor. "Although if it's only happening when he's in Dying Will Mode or Hyper Mode, maybe find someone who specializes in that. Oh, that's me. And I have no clue what it is."

Reborn's pretty sure he taught Shamal to be a little more compassionate than tha- actually, no, wait, he's about exactly as compassionate as Reborn raised him to be. Which is almost not at all. Wonderful job he did there.

"Would my dad know anything...?"

"Iemitsu's perfectly healthy. Well, he's got a bit of a drinking problem, so he should really get his liver checked out regularly, but he's otherwise healthy. I haven't heard anything from him about sudden numbness while in Dying Will Mode."

"Hyper mode." Tsuna's lips press together. "Just.. just in Hyper Mode. I'm- I'm fine in the regular Dying Will Mode."

"You said he feels like three old men all at once," Reborn says, already scheduling in a Very Important International Call. "I don't know anyone else who fits that description, but there's someone who feels like _one_ old man that we can talk to."

"Godspeed," Shamal mutters.

Reborn should have picked up the hint then. When Tsuna said he 'felt fine' in the regular Dying Will Mode.

Tsuna never _feels fine_.

—

 _"Oh, Reborn,"_ Timoteo chuckles on the other end of the phone. He doesn't seem particularly worried. _"I really haven't a clue what it might be."_

"Are you sure, Nono? This is potentially Tsuna's life we're talking about. I won't question why you've switched your inheritance candidate, but this is a _child_ —"

_"I don't know what could be wrong with Tsunayoshi."_

Reborn ends the call feeling confused, conflicted, and worried. For Tsuna, and for Timoteo. He should probably let Iemitsu know about the conversation and see if it’s something possibly worth taking a flight back to HQ to check up on the big boss.

He's sure none of his thoughts actually show on his face, but Tsuna...

Tsuna still looks as resigned as the day Reborn met him. And they'd been making _such_ great progress, too.

"He doesn't know, does he?" Tsuna asks, musingly. Then he heaves a sigh. "Figures. Took forever to figure out I had fibro to begin with because no one would believe me. Now I _don't_ feel anything and no one _still_ has any idea what's going on."

"It's only been a day. I'll keep looking into it." Reborn doesn't sound very reassuring, even to himself. Shamal's no expert, but he's got the most experience in dealing with Dying Will Flames and Dying Will Mode that Reborn knows of.

Then again, Reborn just might be biased.

The fact remains that the Underworld just Does Not Have the kind of resources for this sort of thing, nor the disposition. It weeds out the weak. Devours the small, corrupts the good. Destroys the unprepared. It helps those who cannot help themselves, but does not tolerate those same things within its ranks.

Sawada Tsunayoshi is all of these. And yet, he's also none of them. Reborn has seen the way he fights, the efficiency, the directness. Reborn has seen him stand up time and time again when, as he puts it, he feels like he's falling apart. Reborn has seen Tsuna be _strong_ when just the day before, he couldn't even get out of bed.

Reborn has seen him be outrageously patient with Lambo and Ipin and Fuuta. Tsuna is _kind_.

Kindness is a strength. Especially in the face of adversity.

"Until then, we just have to continue with the training." Tsuna looks like he'd been expecting that, because there's no change in his expression. "It's not inhibiting you in any way. I saw you moving a little, so it's not like you're paralyzed, just numb. We'll figure a way through it."

 _We have to,_ he doesn't say. Tsuna should already know, seeing as he was the one to deliver that ultimatum to Xanxus' face.

"Not numb," Tsuna mumbles as he curls around a plush animal that Gokudera won for him at the New Year's festival. "I can feel.. things. I felt the wind, I felt.. my clothes, I guess. I just.. couldn't feel anything else. I couldn't feel my fingers, I couldn't feel my toes. Everywhere I normally hurt I.. didn't."

"In Dying Will Mode," Reborn says slowly, "you ran into a motorbike. You said you felt fine."

"Um, yeah. I crashed into it, got hit by a bunch of to-go ramen boxes, and then I fell.. how far? I don't know, did we ever figure that out?"

"No."

"I fell down and landed on my feet somehow but it didn't hurt. Well, it didn't hurt any more than I normally hurt. Maybe a little less than normally."

"External limiters, then," he concludes. "You feel less, if any, pain from outside sources. That lets you survive things you normally wouldn't be able to survive. Like getting hit by a car."

"I don't want to get hit by a car to begin with."

Reborn smacks Tsuna on the knee just to hear him make a growly whimpering sound and watch him curl up into a ball.

"But in Hyper Mode.. you said before that you could feel everything Mukuro did. When Gokudera and Hibari were attacking you, you felt that."

Tsuna nods with a grimace. That hadn't been a fun fight.

"So, what else is different?"

"I- I guess.. well, I couldn't feel what _I_ was doing." Reborn doesn't make any gesture to show he understands, so Tsuna wets his lips and keeps talking. "Um. Okay. So.. you know how, when you stretch in a certain way, you can.. feel it? Even with- with fibromyalgia, I can feel the stretching. So you know when to stop before it hurts too much. Haha, too much. Um."

 _That_ , Reborn can nod to.

"I can't feel that in.. in Hyper mode."

"Internal limiter." Tsuna.. shrugs. And then nods, a little unsure. Reborn hums. "Internal pain. So that you can push your body beyond its limits."

"That.. sounds about right? I mean I kind of wasn't listening the first time you told me about it because I was all brainfogged but you didn't care and kept talking anyway- ow! Stop hitting me, I'm disabled!"

"The accumulated pain and stress on your body hits you all at once after Hyper Mode ends. Which means there's nothing really wrong here." Reborn is satisfied. Nothing's wrong after all, just like Shamal said. Other than the fact that the Dying Will Bullet works in really weird ways, but that's how it's meant to work, so that's not 'wrong', anyway. "So, we can take up training again. You'll just have to get used to moving your body like this."

"Right," Tsuna whines, rolling over out of reach. He doesn't seem to remember that Reborn is a super-baby and can cover the width of his rather small bed in a single bound. "I have to get used to being _pain-free_. What a concept."

"Chin up. You said you weren't going to let Xanxus be Decimo."

"Yeah," the boy sighs, shoulders dropping and deflating. "Yeah, I did."

Reborn smirks to himself. Smugly. His side always wins.

—

"Are you ready, Tsuna?"

He gets up. He falls whenever Reborn shoots him, when he 'dies', when he 'regrets'. He falls, and then he gets to his feet again.

Because he cannot let Xanxus, who is ruthless with his own subordinates, take lead of Vongola. A mafia organization. That Tsuna does not even know anything about.

For all he knows, Vongola could be just as heartless and ruthless as the Varia head himself. Maybe Vongola suits Xanxus perfectly. Maybe Xanxus suits _Vongola_ perfectly.

Tsuna gets up. He has gotten up for years now, and countless times even before the rheumatologist (imagine, for a moment, a 6 year old child, having to miss school to see a _rheumatologist_ ) told him in clear, distinct words. That he was sick. That there was no cure, as of yet.

He flexes his hand, numb and empty. It’s like someone else is moving his body for him, even though he feels the leather-like cloth encasing his fingers, rubbing over his palms. Makes a tight fist. Tighter than he's ever been able to make them before.

Reborn watches him with scrutiny, barking out comments where his movements are too stiff or too unsure, too wide. Too off-balance.

_Are you ready?_

He can't feel it. He can't feel _anything_.

He feels the weight of his own body, and can't recall if it's ever been so light. He feels the scuff of his shoe against the dirt, and wonders if it was ever so easy an action.

He feels the swing of his arm, and wonders if it's ever been so...

"Yeah," Tsuna says. He puts the tips of his index and thumb together and pulses his Flame, on and off.

He can think. He can focus.

And frankly, it's terrifying the hell out of him.

 

 

"I'm ready."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * sugar levels: this is a reference to diabetes. too-high sugar levels in the bloodstream more or less messes with pain/pressure sensors.
> 
> future chapters will probably!! be! a little lighter!! ...possibly. i just really had this particular situation knocking around in my head waiting to be written, so it's written first. /shrugs what can ye do.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> how does one bully a sick child? asking for a friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> takes place before the first chapter, around the beginning of the training when tsuna is learning how to lengthen his DWM time.

"The reason why thine Dying Will State lasts 5 minutes only," Basil says during a lull in the training, since Tsuna is nearly incapable of holding conversations in any of the Dying Will Modes, "is because thou wouldst spend all of thine Will at once."

Tsuna's not really capable of holding this conversation anyway? Who taught Basil how to speak like this. No one speaks like this anymore!

"Thou needst only be Willing to Die for but a moment. That way, thine will is conserved, and it will last longer and be of more use in battle. That is what I was taught by my master."

"Oh." Okay. That makes a little more sense. Except... "..What if mine doesn't last 5 minutes?"

"..Pardon?"

"Uh, well." Tsuna gestures, just a little, because once the Dying Will Flame fizzles out he's kind of back to being a hopeless loser again. Also tired and achy. "Reborn timed it a few times.. I rarely ever clear 3 minutes? I don't know if it's a good or bad thing, he always looks smug."

Like right now. Reborn looks really smug right now. Smug baby.

Basil, bless his soul, takes Tsuna's words to heart and seems to be consider his reply seriously.

"Then.. perhaps thy Dying Will must be too little. But thou hast much strength when we fight! So perhaps that is not the case. Perhaps it is only that thou art.." He pauses, they looks a bit more Concerned. "..thou art Willing to Die too much?"

"Oooh." Tsuna definitely nods to that. That makes a lot of sense. Elsewhere, Reborn looks equal part smug and resigned. "That makes sense... Is that it?"

Basil blinks. "..Um."

"How'd you explain it again, Reborn? About the Dying Will thing?"

"It's the Will to absolve any regrets you have upon death," the infant says cheekily. Because he's got baby cheeks. "To go at it even if your body is falling apart."

"It's great that I always feel like I'm falling apart then," Tsuna says, cheerily digging into the bento his mother had made them take along. He feels a bit lighter for having heard that deduction. Why couldn't Reborn have just said so earlier? "That's a relief. Here I thought something was wrong with me! Well, more wrong. Haha."

Basil shoots a worried look at Reborn and quietly eats his own bento.

—

Mentoring a sick child is incredibly frustrating.

Reborn has gone through this once before with Shamal, who had the constitution of a cheetah in captivity and all the resilience of wet rice paper. He picked up something everywhere they went, even if he didn't have any open sores or wounds and they were both absurdly diligent about staying as clean as you possibly could in the Italian countryside.

So, that was fun. Figuring out all the hundreds of blood-borne diseases Shamal had was a torture and a half.

Tsuna, now. _Tsuna_.

Tsuna has the pain tolerance of a seasoned veteran but the willingness to complain of an actual 5 year old. He shrinks and expands in accordance to temperature fluctuations more quickly and more accurately (and more loudly) than any thermometer ever will. And he's about as unmotivated as a koala.

...And all that's on a good day.

He's sleeping right now. One of the rare moments he's actually able to find sleep. The good thing about Dying Will Mode is that it greatly dampens the amount of pain hitting him during training, and it seems to also apply to the amount of pain generated by his illness from just _moving_.

Reborn is glad for this, because otherwise they'd be completely fucked.

Being sick is one thing. Shamal was sick, but always got over his diseases eventually. Whether that was by somehow picking up something else that canceled it out (Reborn continues to question the medical world), or it went into a dormant period, waiting to emerge again years later. By then he'd pick up even more, more to fight the ones he already had.

Shamal was sick, and now he's.. more or less fine. Maxed out at 666, the Devil's number. Antibodies and counter-diseases for all of them.

Reborn has considered asking if there's any that would numb the body. Dull the sensation of pain, maybe something with the effect of intense muscle relaxation. Tsuna would have to live with side-effects and other symptoms, but honestly? The boy would probably prefer those over what he has now.

( _God knows_ the entire Skullitis thing was the most stressful 2 days of Reborn's life. He doesn't think he even remembers any part of it.

Not that he'll let anyone know.)

Seeing how Tsuna responds to even _temporary_ complete pain relief, it may not be such a good idea. If anything it made him _worse_. Which seems almost impossible.

One would think he'd do anything to be cured.

—

"Tsuna," Reborn says after breakfast the next morning, as they head for the training grounds again, "what do you think about possibly getting rid of that pesky pain of yours?"

"I'd throw myself into the pool and finally learn how to swim," Tsuna says without missing a beat. His pace remains leisurely. No point in straining himself rushing around.

"..You don't know how to swim?"

"Did I mention the cold triggers a flare-up? Because it does. And water for swimming in tends to be cold."

"Swim in a hot tub, you lazy brat."

"Who _swims_ in a hot tub except tiny children?" Tsuna gapes at Reborn in mock surprise. "I'd make a fool of myself! That also sets off flare-ups too."

"Is there anything that _doesn't_ make you whine like a baby?"

"No," Tsuna says bluntly. "Not even me. I make me whine like a baby the most."

"We're doomed," Reborn sighs. Squeakily. Does Reborn know that he sounds squeaky? "Vongola is doomed."

"I told you I was chronically ill right off the bat, but did you listen?" He rolls his eyes. " _Noooo_. You just _had_ to go and accept a duel with _professional assassins_ on my behalf out of some ridiculous notion of _optimism_."

"I was being realistic, not optimistic. You are the only heir left, there is no other option. You have to fight and you have to win."

"Then you're right. Vongola is so fucked."

"Who _are_ you learning to swear from?"

"....Gokudera. Why?"

"Stop it."

Tsuna huffs and crosses his arms. It's getting a bit chillier now. Good thing his mother got him a new sweater for the coming weather.

"I was being serious, though."

"About?"

"Getting rid of the pain."

"Yeah. Right." Tsuna eyes the infant skeptically out of the corner of his eye. "And I'd take you up on that just so you can have an easier time bullying me around."

Reborn hums. "There's that too."

Typical Reborn.

It's a distant sort of concern though. One that lets Tsuna smile, to know that this tiny tutor of his has been thinking about him in ways that don't involve death and pain and rock climbing. Mostly.

..He's just not sure he's so ready to lose something that feels like a part of his identity now. If one can even call it that.

"..I'll still be tired, you know," he says at length, once they've left the buildings of Namimori behind them. "Fibro isn't just.. hurting. Even if you could, I dunno, get rid of the ache, I still have tender spots. I'll still have flare-ups, probably. And I'll still be tired."

"But that's one less thing holding you back, isn't it?"

"Don't underestimate my sheer unwillingness to interact with the world, Reborn." Tsuna makes a face, shoulders squaring up resolutely. He immediately regrets doing that, because ow. "..What did you have in mind, anyway?"

"I was recalling that Shamal should have a disease or two that could num—"

Tsuna's interrupting shriek of 'NO MORE SHOTS' probably reaches clear across town.

**Author's Note:**

> i endeavor to make this both informative and Real, but also humorous and somewhat true to the tone of khr itself. do let me know if anything seems or comes off as offensive, because i probably did not mean it to be.


End file.
